Hello, and welcome to Better Than Bile, a deceptively monikered "cooking" blog that provides you with all you need to know for entertaining the bachelor in your life!

(That would be you.  You are the bachelor in your life, and you live alone.  All alone.  And most likely always will, for the remainder of your miserable existence.)

But hey, living alone doesn't necessarily mean you have to sit at home swallowing your own sadness and overwhelming despair every night!  Not JUST your own sadness and overwhelming despair, anyway.  No, you can enjoy a nice home-cooked meal every bit as much as these chubby guys with the frumpy wives can.  So strap on your apron, Lonely Boy, and let's cook up something that's ever so slightly...

Better than Bile!

Ok Hungryman, as you can see, tonight, upon arriving home from work, we have literally several options to choose from.  And lest anyone think it's just frozen faire, there's also some leftover ham in the fridge, but it was pretty gross, so we're not going there tonight.  (It was like, undercooked or something.  Kinda like milky-white and greasy and cold in the middle.  Gave you the squirts.)

Frozen Pizza!  An excellent choice for your discerning taste buds.  And Barbecue Chicken Pizza, no less!  Let's get to it, shall we?  I'm sure you're already salivating!

To begin, haphazardly tear open the box and plastic wrapping to get to the goods inside.  Tonight's pizza is thin crust, which means we can count on two very important qualities:  

1) Less cooking time, and

2) We'll therefore be eating it sooner.

HOWEVER!  It also means we run a far greater risk of overcooking tonight's meal.  Well ok, maybe not a "far greater risk," since as with every meal, it's a 100% chance we'll be overcooking tonight's meal.  But there's a risk you might over-overcook it, so be vigilant!

Slap that bad boy on a cookie sheet or something and set the oven on something between 400-500 degrees.  Don't worry about the recommended temperature or cooking time, just try to remember to check on it every so often during commercial breaks or when you have to take a leak.

Remember, it's very important to keep your kitchen clean, so dispose of the box immediately, lest a scrap of cardboard catch fire like that one time you tried reheating the steamed vegetables on the burner setting that turns it red hot and you didn't see the pizza box on the counter and bumped it right into the red hot burner and started that f***ing fire a couple of weeks back, remember that s**t?  Of course you do.

Remember, a meal is never complete without the proper beverage to compliment the meal's flavors and textures.  I have found that chocolate milk is ALWAYS the proper beverage to compliment pretty much every flavor and texture.  So while your pizza is burning cooking, go ahead and get a jump on things and pour yourself a glass.

It's likely you'll overfill the glass, so just sip enough off the top to leave enough room for two heaping spoonfuls of chocolate powder.

Now scoop it in, and be generous!  There is literally no such thing as too much chocolate powder in your chocolate milk.

Ok, we're going to skip right past this rerun of Married With Children that you've been watching and move on to the end product.  Now that your pizza is only slightly overcooked (since you timed it like a champ and it finished up right as the episode where Al pretends he's a cop is ending), go ahead and pull that thing out of the oven.  Be sure to use an oven mitt, cause last time you burned the s**t out of your hand, remember that?  Hurt like a mother.

By the way, this is actually a photo of the pizza being put INTO the oven, not being taken out, but you kinda get the point.

By now, that glass you poured and forgot about has separated into powder floating on top and slightly-less-chocolately milk on the bottom.  This won't do at all.

Go ahead and give it a couple of extra stirs to mix that crap right back in there.

Now cut your pizza up into either 4, 6, or 8 slices.  4 or 8 is easier, since 6 require first an initial cut down the middle, and then v-shaped cuts on either half, whereas 4 is just two quick cuts, and 8 is just 2 more quick cuts.  Remember, you're the only one eating here, so just cut it into whatever you can chomp down and swallow in 2-3 bites per slice.

REMEMBER TO TURN OFF THE OVEN, or else in a couple of days it's going to get really hot in your apartment, and your electric bill is going to be ridiculous.

Lastly, remember-- appearance is every bit as important as taste when it comes to presenting your meal. Decorative pizza-slice stacking is a good way to fool yourself into thinking this paper-thin pizza has some substance to it.

Enjoy!